"love".. is something which starts before it can be recognised.

This is my current nick on MSN. Currently it's Sunday, 3:16am with submission 6 days away.. I'm seriously slacking even after finding out that there's really a pile of work as tall as the amount Micr0s0ft's annual receipts = ="

But i was thinking the night before while i was trying to drift off to sleep(Friday in this case, i don't sleep normally now so my calender is abit mixed =/), how one could love someone else and the reasons for it and other related stuff.. Originally i didn't like Amanda at all.. As Ben recalls me saying, "nothing much" was how i used to describe her. And i remember that day, the next day at ITP, i saw her and i started thinking. And on that day(1st March 2007) Ben got a reply back from me.. At 8:15pm, say i did, "BEN I THINK AMANDA CHIO LE! XD".

Now actually that was just me copying down our chat from the previous night and just telling it back to him. I totally didn't expect myself to like her. And time went on, maybe it was due to Ben's initial push, or through my own desperation or maybe even love grew a brilliant rose in my heart as i saw her during those infrequent periods. But it definitely started, not so much a love, but a crush at least.

After that i did catch myself wanting to get closer to that attractive red flower. But is this right? I believe in a true love, a love that starts regardless. Be it beauty, cash or power. But a love of the person itself. My liking to her was of her beauty. But also undoubtly her personality itself. I can accept that this was a wrong love, but what if there wasn't lust in these loves?

Dreams, originally were said to foresee the future. I too believed, or, I wanted it to be true as that would be able to fulfill what i've wanted. But apart from a small fraction that turn out as dejavu, the rest of the dreams are an intepretation of the days' events by your brain. It could be unintelligible colours or a blur of incomprehensible images. But another possibility is that what you see in your dreams are what you want to happen.

Up until recently i've been frustrated at not having any dreams about Amanda, but i've had 3 in the past 2 months. Now i'll tlak about my dreams next, i'll try to explain in as much detail as i can remember, including details that i won't have explanations for.

"She was standing before me, as i her. Several of each of our classmates were around us going about their work. Her hair was short, barely brushing her shoulders, straggled and in a slight disarry. She asked me, "What is the one thing you've wanted to tell me?" Answer i wanted, but she added, "But i don't have to give a reply to it." "

Now.. for a reason unknown to me, my dreams mostly end at these critical moments. And after i wake, i think, what would have happened if i said this, or maybe that? Especially if i had said "I love you." what would have happened? What would have happened would be what my mind wanted is it not? And why would i have dreamed of her with straggled hair? When she is always nearly perfect whenever i turn? Now even thought i said that i had 3 dreams, the 2nd is so vague, it's like trying to see a mist at noon. I'm not even sure i did have a 2nd dream, at most all i have is the impression that i had the dream but i remember none of the content. So let's move onto the 3rd which happened around 5 days ago (oh my time is flying==").

"A beautiful day was out. The trees were lively and green. The baby blue sky was nanny-ing over the plentiful clouds and wind playing together. The birds were chattering over simple things, like their nests, their eggs and, "Oh what a beautiful day it is". One side of the river had children happily playing about, and the young and elderly alike were sitting on the benches talking. Families were rolling prams, enjoying their time together. Amanda and I were sitting on a bench too, facing the river. We smiled and laughed, talking as we watched the clouds being shoved by the wind."

Now as i try to protect myself, i ask if my dreams had no lust, most probably i didn't have it either. And as much as i would like to say that i liked her as a person herself, i can't. Most probably, i was like a magpie attracted to shiny objects. It's against my ideal, but this is human, unfortunately.

But thankfully, if i'm not wrong, she is not like that. As again, i found out on Friday, she has a darling, for representational purposes, let's say it's the Beauty and the Frog Prince. As i don't know Amanda very well, all i have on her personality is what i've seen and a imposed image created by me. An ideal girl. Her having a flirt of a boyfriend would have destroyed my image of her. Either she was totally naive and was taken in by sweet words or she just likes that kind of guys.

Now once again i don't really feel sad. Is it because i didn't really love her? or something else i can't explain? But i feel that as long as she smiles everything is ok. This may sound totally childish but i've held onto the belief that guys should protect girls, such as the knight will save the princess and they'll live happily ever after. This is my mindset, and such, I, am motivated by my love. If it's for her, or the people that i love, i would be able to press on and exceed my limits or sloth. To be stronger so that you won't regret when you aren't able to protect her later, has allowed me take up aikido after 1 year of procrastination. To find passion in what i do so that i'll be able to provide for our happy future. Such thoughts run through me and support me. The url of this blog speaks my ideal. A Queen Knight. For who I will protect unto death.

Labels: amanda, diary, thoughts

been looking at -> http://reinster.livejournal.com/ 's blog some of them look fun so i've did this "Which Code Geass Character are you?" test and this thing below =)


WRATH
1. Who did you last get angry with? - can't remember==
2. What is your weapon of choice? - saber
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? - no
4. How about of the same sex? - rarely..
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? - yar ba..
6. What are your pet peeves? - sotong =P
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? - i let go rather quickly =) better for my skin that way =D

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? - exercise
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? - 3pm?
3. Who have you been meaning to contact, but haven't? - kenneth..
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? - none-
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? - yes ~
6. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? - around 8 i think== missed grading..

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? - kenya coffee
2. Meat eaters are? - people who have too sharp a teeth
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting outing or event? - half a cup of champange
5. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? - depends.. sweet sometimes, salty sometimes.. no spicy for me tho =x

LUST
1. How many people have you seen completely naked? - 1
2. How many people have seen YOU completely naked? - anyone who took care of me when i was a baby =/
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? - unfortunately =/
4. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? - hair and eyes *_*
5. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? - i'm guessing this quiz is for an older generation =-=
6. Have you ever had a pregnancy test? - no..
7. Is love at first sight really lust? - yes, a minature version =)

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? - 0
2. What's your guilty pleasure store/brand? - artfriend i guess .. haven't been to any other shop recently.. ah maybe swensen's.. ahh earthquake *_*
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? - 700k in the bank, 100k in stocks, 100k for travelling and 100k to build me a big telescope =)
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? - rich =)
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? - yep
6. Have you ever stolen anything? - how long ago are we talking about here?
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? - unknown

PRIDE
1. What is one thing that you've done that you're most proud of? - i have a latent ability to learn everything =P
2. One thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? - unsure =/
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? - world peace and prosperity for all
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? - nope, it just means i didn't work hard enough
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? - nope
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? - nada
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? - on the contrary everything went wrong today==

ENVY
1. What item (or body part) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? - their unreactive skin
2. Who would you want to go on "trading spaces" with? - manda
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? - err.. not really sure.. a prince? rich and good looking of course =)
4. Have you ever been cheated on? - hmms..
5. Have you ever cheated? - hmms..
6. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? - yess
7. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? - sloth.

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Science/Math Nerd   (Absolute Insane Laughter as you pour toxic chemicals into a foaming tub of death!) Well, maybe you aren't this extreme, but you're in league with the crazy scientists/mathmeticians of today. Very few people have the talent of math and science is something takes a lot of brains as well. Thank whosever God you worship, or don't worship, so thank no deity whatsoever in your case, for you people! Most of us would have died off without your help.
Literature Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Anime Nerd
Drama Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Musician
Social Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

Labels: random

sometimes i wish i could/would allocate more time to this sort of meaningful posts..
the topic for today is Relationships =)

the durability of teenage relationships seems to be very low. unfortunately as any information on teenage relationships in the past, whether they existed or not, are not available, no comparision can be made or things like "teenagers nowadays are such lousy lovers" or "if only my boyfriend/girlfriend came from 50 years back" can't be said. all that can be said now is an observation of current relationships and their relation to this generation of mindsets pitted against ideals/fairytales.

inspiration for this post came from a blog of my friend's friend =) (i wish it was more complicated too =) )
this girl, who shall henceforth be referred to as Hilary, celebrates monthly anniversaries with her boyfriend. now this brings up 1 point, whether appropriate or not, this is just my opinion. now that we're at it , "I hereby announce that these posts are made with reference to real life situations but with only my own personal opinions of them. These are not accusatorary/gossip-try/implicative nor slandering posts. And are only for my personal analysis."

alright back on track. The point is that, teenagers are getting increasingly short-visioned. The implementation of a monthly anniversary could indicate 1) desperation 2) need for an event to get together 3)desperation 4) disbelief of happy days everyday 5) desperation 6) lack of faith

-break-

i'm back after yet another day of shopping at art friend =) even though i didn't mention this yesterday, what i experienced today made it relevant. But before that, a great word of awe from Professor Charles who is an architecture student "Why does it say 'Art Friend?!' I'm not a friend of art." 2 girls of our juniors in year 2 burst out giggling at that =) When i was at level 1 of Bras Basha tho.. When i was going up the escalator, i thought, how wonderful it would be if she would marry me. now because countless days have passed sinced i last touched this post, what i orignally wanted to say may have gone astray AGAIN..... ahh~_~ now, I, who has not her as a girlfriend, would do anything for her. But what would happen if i did? Would it slowly degrade because i didn't do a proper analysis of the person before due a an act of desperation? My belief is that relationships borne of these situations would be short due to it's brittle-ness to hardships and each other.

But before that, the celebration of monthly anniversaries goes/does not go against the concept of a fairy tale ending. 1) It goes against a fairytale ending because it's not "happily ever after" but "happily as long as we can" 2) It is a fairytale ending because they celebrate that they are together.

Now Hilary, has gotten mad at her boyfriend for prioritizing a badmiton game(non-competitive) above the anniversary. A relationship could be ruined by an overemphasis on events. It's like trying to celebrate a birthday but your other half has an important project submission the next day and is rushing work. Now in a rare case the other half would be tolerant and would spare some time, but in most cases he/she would be irritated and may some unintended things. Now it's up to the initiation party on how to take the response. She/he may realise the other half's state of mind and forgive him/her.

......................
..............
. . . . . . .. . .
Drats.

Well i've mostly forgotten what i've been wanting to say to i'll just stop here =\

But as a last note for myself =)
Dear diary,
I dreamt that she was in a white wedding dress in front of a pure white church on a green hill.. haa~ even tho i dreamt this during AP lecture when i accidentally fell asleep=_=" but i received a warm feeling from this dream.. near the location of my heart.. could this mean that i actually love her?

ken..
sgins off =)

Labels: omigee

after that dream i had another the day right after; vampire slaying during a school field trip =)
and the saturday after that i dreamt about Amanda for the first time.. Oh lovable one I noted in my MSN nick,:"I had a dream.. A dream where you told me to tell you the one thing I've been wanting to tell you..But without you needing to tell me the reason for your answer."
and most possibly within a few days of that near the present time now, i had a nightmare. An example and most probably the most vivid one i remember was, near the end of the nightmare i saw a house in the dark decaying with the mold. And after the theme of all i had dreamt before that, i thought that surely a ghost of a girl dressed in a white, blood splattered dress would appear there.... appear.. she did.. I desperately willed it to disappear to no avail.. As all my senses froze with fear..

This is all a summary of everythign that has happened@_@ i've been trying to get myself to write my AP concept essay now.. Like i said trying.. For the past 2 hours or so....


ken.. collapses off
(\(' - ' )

Labels: diary