"love".. is something which starts before it can be recognised.

This is my current nick on MSN. Currently it's Sunday, 3:16am with submission 6 days away.. I'm seriously slacking even after finding out that there's really a pile of work as tall as the amount Micr0s0ft's annual receipts = ="

But i was thinking the night before while i was trying to drift off to sleep(Friday in this case, i don't sleep normally now so my calender is abit mixed =/), how one could love someone else and the reasons for it and other related stuff.. Originally i didn't like Amanda at all.. As Ben recalls me saying, "nothing much" was how i used to describe her. And i remember that day, the next day at ITP, i saw her and i started thinking. And on that day(1st March 2007) Ben got a reply back from me.. At 8:15pm, say i did, "BEN I THINK AMANDA CHIO LE! XD".

Now actually that was just me copying down our chat from the previous night and just telling it back to him. I totally didn't expect myself to like her. And time went on, maybe it was due to Ben's initial push, or through my own desperation or maybe even love grew a brilliant rose in my heart as i saw her during those infrequent periods. But it definitely started, not so much a love, but a crush at least.

After that i did catch myself wanting to get closer to that attractive red flower. But is this right? I believe in a true love, a love that starts regardless. Be it beauty, cash or power. But a love of the person itself. My liking to her was of her beauty. But also undoubtly her personality itself. I can accept that this was a wrong love, but what if there wasn't lust in these loves?

Dreams, originally were said to foresee the future. I too believed, or, I wanted it to be true as that would be able to fulfill what i've wanted. But apart from a small fraction that turn out as dejavu, the rest of the dreams are an intepretation of the days' events by your brain. It could be unintelligible colours or a blur of incomprehensible images. But another possibility is that what you see in your dreams are what you want to happen.

Up until recently i've been frustrated at not having any dreams about Amanda, but i've had 3 in the past 2 months. Now i'll tlak about my dreams next, i'll try to explain in as much detail as i can remember, including details that i won't have explanations for.

"She was standing before me, as i her. Several of each of our classmates were around us going about their work. Her hair was short, barely brushing her shoulders, straggled and in a slight disarry. She asked me, "What is the one thing you've wanted to tell me?" Answer i wanted, but she added, "But i don't have to give a reply to it." "

Now.. for a reason unknown to me, my dreams mostly end at these critical moments. And after i wake, i think, what would have happened if i said this, or maybe that? Especially if i had said "I love you." what would have happened? What would have happened would be what my mind wanted is it not? And why would i have dreamed of her with straggled hair? When she is always nearly perfect whenever i turn? Now even thought i said that i had 3 dreams, the 2nd is so vague, it's like trying to see a mist at noon. I'm not even sure i did have a 2nd dream, at most all i have is the impression that i had the dream but i remember none of the content. So let's move onto the 3rd which happened around 5 days ago (oh my time is flying==").

"A beautiful day was out. The trees were lively and green. The baby blue sky was nanny-ing over the plentiful clouds and wind playing together. The birds were chattering over simple things, like their nests, their eggs and, "Oh what a beautiful day it is". One side of the river had children happily playing about, and the young and elderly alike were sitting on the benches talking. Families were rolling prams, enjoying their time together. Amanda and I were sitting on a bench too, facing the river. We smiled and laughed, talking as we watched the clouds being shoved by the wind."

Now as i try to protect myself, i ask if my dreams had no lust, most probably i didn't have it either. And as much as i would like to say that i liked her as a person herself, i can't. Most probably, i was like a magpie attracted to shiny objects. It's against my ideal, but this is human, unfortunately.

But thankfully, if i'm not wrong, she is not like that. As again, i found out on Friday, she has a darling, for representational purposes, let's say it's the Beauty and the Frog Prince. As i don't know Amanda very well, all i have on her personality is what i've seen and a imposed image created by me. An ideal girl. Her having a flirt of a boyfriend would have destroyed my image of her. Either she was totally naive and was taken in by sweet words or she just likes that kind of guys.

Now once again i don't really feel sad. Is it because i didn't really love her? or something else i can't explain? But i feel that as long as she smiles everything is ok. This may sound totally childish but i've held onto the belief that guys should protect girls, such as the knight will save the princess and they'll live happily ever after. This is my mindset, and such, I, am motivated by my love. If it's for her, or the people that i love, i would be able to press on and exceed my limits or sloth. To be stronger so that you won't regret when you aren't able to protect her later, has allowed me take up aikido after 1 year of procrastination. To find passion in what i do so that i'll be able to provide for our happy future. Such thoughts run through me and support me. The url of this blog speaks my ideal. A Queen Knight. For who I will protect unto death.

Labels: amanda, diary, thoughts